I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
