Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
