Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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