we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
