i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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