There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
