umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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