An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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