I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
