thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
