Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
