so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
