wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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