Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
