So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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