i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
