Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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