i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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