i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
