You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
