I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
