Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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