the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
