That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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