there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize