I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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