yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
