come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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