he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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