We won't sleep together?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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