Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
