She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
