I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So many bounce houses so little time
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
