he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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