Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize