I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize