I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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