mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
