I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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