I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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