I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
