pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
