Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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