I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
