I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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