I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
