i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
