Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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