If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
There's always time for handjobs
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
