just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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