i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Two words: blizzard sex
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
