fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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