So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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