I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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