can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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