Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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