My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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